The Pachanga, Part II

Once again I have to withdraw my nomination for mother-of-the-year award. When you are a graduate of the Joan Crawford School of Mothering, you're not gonna get a lot of accolades. The kids did well during Mass. On the way in I used bribery to entice them to behave. We've set up a reward system at home-dried pinto beans in a plastic cup. Proper behavior earns you more beans-the more beans you have, the quicker you fill up your cup. Once you've filled up your cup you get to do fun stuff (I haven't figured that part out yet-what they actually get to do). It's like dangling a carrot in front of their nose. On the way into the church I told them if they acted properly and didn't embarrass me they would each get 10 beans. My oldest wanted 19 beans. "No way" I told him. The Mass was in Spanish. They got 19 beans. Seven kids all under the age of 7 sat thru 45 minutes of liturgy en espanol. God himself must have orchestrated that one for Fina. When the Mass was over I told my eldest that now we had to do the most important part; go give Fina a kiss. Without the proper salutation she would have never known we were there and our trip to the church would have been pointless, I explained. With the kiss, we got brownie points. It's not just me who follows this protocol. Everyone understands the manipulation that is involved. As we walked over to Fina's wheelchair I overheard my aunt tell her 5 year old granddaughter the same thing.

After almost getting thrown out of the church (Apparently you can't stand up where the priest stands-pulpit?- to get a better angle for your group photo-even after the Mass is over. The priest yelled at my cousin's wife, who was taking the picture, to get down. It was less important to him that one of his elderly parishoners had 30 plus family members gathered around her for photodocumentation of some milestone in her life than it was to ensure the sanctity of his little man-made platform. I'm most certain that God could see the irony in the situation), we headed back to our cars. This is where the situation starts to unravel. My middle son has a propensity to mischief-making. As we were walking out he saw some lady bless herself with some holy water, so he thought it would be appropriate to do the same and to tell his cousin about it also. Sticking to our family motto of "If some is good, more is better", he opted for the large-volume blessing practically bathing in the holy water as he attempted to do his version of the sign of the cross. No problem, I could roll with that one-Jesus himself had a soft spot for young children. Certainly he would be watching and smiling even if the humorless priest was scowling as he caught a glimpse of the 2 boys splashing in the holy water. Forty-five minutes of Spanish Mass and 10 minutes of posing for pictures, a little spillage of some holy water wasn't going to hurt anything.

My Mommy Dearest impersonation happened as we approached our cars. My eldest asked to ride with his grandmother after his cousin had asked to ride in our car. Hind-site tells me I should have said 'no' since his cousin was going with us, but he caught me in a moment of weakness when I had my guard down. As soon as middle son found out oldest son was going with the grandmother, middle son had an old-fashioned melt down. Once middle son gets going, no one can talk him down off that ledge. This is precisely the way to raise my irritation levels to threat level red. He wouldn't stop boo-hooing. He went on and on about missing his big brother and wanting to be with his grandmother and no amount of rationalization, bribery or ultimatum-making was going to get him to stop. Making matters worse, my mom drives up and offers to take him in her car. When I say 'no' she looks at me as though I've just told him that there is no Santa Clause and he can see the look of injustice she is giving me. She doesn't know anything about the whole cousin scenario, all she knows is that I am being horribly unjust to her grandson. At this point, because he won't stop throwing a fit, I tell my oldest son to get out of his grandmother's car b/c otherwise middle son will have to be dragged away from the grandmother's car or I will have to cave and let him go with the grandmother and leave the cousin all alone without my 2 sons in my car. My kids love to do this. None of them want something until one of the other ones has it. If one of them is going in the car with the grandmother, suddenly the other wants to go also, but the first doesn't want the second to go with him and they argue about it to the death. Meanwhile all I can think is "You ungrateful little shits. There are people in this world with real problems." Compassion is not one of my better qualities. So, back to the situation-because middle son is being a royal pain in the ass, I have to play my wild card and have the older, more compliant child pay the price and he sacrifices his seat in the grandmothers car b/c his younger brother is not able to deal. Still, even after the older brother gets out of the car (with absolutely NO argument I might add. At this point he could see the crazy, rabid dog look in my eye and he could hear the tone in my voice. He just said, "Yes mam" and got out. Not even my own mother argued with me). The middle son is still pitching a fit. At this point, he just wants his own way and he is going to hold his breath until he gets it. So, I do exactly what I had been hoping to avoid. I pick him up, kicking and screaming, and carry him to my car while he is crying for his grandmother as though I were about to exile him to Guantanamo Bay. This is were I do my very best Joan Crawford imitation in front of God and my whole family. I believe my exact quote was, "Shut-up and get in the f_cking car before I beat you." Alec Baldwin eat your heart out. Shockingly (not) this has the effect that I was going trying to achieve. He immediately stops crying (for the moment) and gets in the car. My cousin, who has been helping me with the kids, asks, "Did you just drop the F bomb?" She knows the situation has reached critical levels and knows the solution. "I'm getting you a drink as soon as we get back to the hotel!"

As quickly as the situation erupts, it calms back down again. Two minutes into the ride, middle son, oldest son and cousin are talking and playing in the backseat as though nothing has happened and I am gripping the stearing wheel so tightly that I'm leaving imprints of my hands. Middle son and I get back to the hotel, have a pow-wow, I apologize for blowing my stack and we make a deal that he's not going to boo-hoo anymore and I'm not going to loose my temper. Now, middle son, oldest son and cousin are all sleeping in my hotel room b/c they all wanted to spend the night with each other. Daughter, cleverly, flew the coop and is staying with her grandmother. Somehow she managed to avoid the conflict and still get the prize; staying the nite in the grandmother's hotel room.

The rest of the nite was good. Dinner at a restaurant (again, well-behaved children) and then back to Fina's house for more food (dessert), charades and watching the kids play. No I must go to bed b/c tomorrow it is shampoo, rinse and repeat...


Proverbs 30:17

The eye that mocks a father and despises a mother’s instructions will be plucked out by ravens of the valley and eaten by vultures.


Ephesians 6:1-4

1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.