The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I've been thinking about publishing lately and I have to admit that there is a lot of ego involved in that thought process. Writing on this blog and my previous blog has mainly been like an on-line journal allowing me to air my thoughts. It brings clarity to my mind and it is a way to chronicle the lives of my children. I don't know why I think anyone might want to read (on a grander scale) the schlock I write. Actually, I do know why; because someone else just published a book about their breast cancer experience and I'm horridly jealous. Certainly this person can't be funnier or more clever than me? Are we all like that or is it just me? Petty and insecure? I am a supremely competitive individual and mostly it has served me well in life, but sometimes I am obnoxious to even myself and this is one of those times. At least I can recognize it, right?

I worked in the emergency room today and I almost came unglued on one of my colleagues. The fact that he is a supreme asshole was my justification for wanting to snap off his head. His lack of compassion was truly mind boggling and makes me wonder why he still practices medicine. I was able to keep a level head throughout our entire interaction though hot molten lava was simmering just below the surface. I think when you start considering your fellow man to be the scourge of the earth it might be time to take a step back to do some introspection. He didn't want to admit (to the hospital) some poor, young guy who almost certainly had a malignancy to prove a point regardless of whether or not it was in the patient's best interest. Unfortunately that is how it gets in the emergency room. People argue just to argue. I'm no patron saint of the poor and uninsured, but you would have had to have a heart of stone and a ridiculously guilt-free conscience to sit in my colleagues's judgement seat. He basically said that people who don't have insurance don't deserve to get diagnosed or treated for cancer. Resources need to be limited to those people who have a third party payor. Those were almost his exact words. Though it was extremely unprofessional, I told the residents that I thought he was an asshole. Apparently I'm not the first to think this about him.

My middle son told my husband that he (middle son) is a professional butt-wiper. When Lee asked whether he needed checking (after doing his business) this is when middle son informed Lee of his new title; "No dad, I'm a professional. I was in a butt-wiping contest and I won first place." This is the same kid who told us the itsy bitsy spider lived in his bottom and demonstrated by bending over and pulling his butt cheeks apart. I think he intends on going the whole summer without putting on a pair of shoes (which gets rid of the sock issues). Literally we can not find a pair of his shoes and if they allowed him to go barefoot at school, I would rejoice. Today he was at a friend's house and they were riding bikes on a newly paved street (but still blocked off) and he told the friend's mother, "I prefer not to ride bikes on roads that are under construction. I think I'll go inside now."

The aftermath of breast cancer comes at you in waves. I've compartmentalized and closed off that part of my brain-the part with all the memories from last year. I have a couple of friends and acquaintences who are going through treatment and diagnosis and it is difficult for me to relive a lot of that stuff. For instance, I haven't gone back to read what I wrote last year. I don't think I'm ready to do that (yet I want to publish it in a book?). I started this blog with the intention of it being my spiritual journey and I haven't really written too much about my relationship with God. All I can say is that I have to keep the line of vision perfectly clear because the moment I loose sight, I falter.

"I Have Decided to Follow Jesus"
(Folk Melody from India)

I have decided, to follow Jesus,
I have decided, to follow Jesus,
I have decided, to follow Jesus,
No turning back, no turning back.


VERSE 2

Though I may wonder, I still will follow,
Though I may wonder, I still will follow,
Though I may wonder, I still will follow,
No turning back, no turning back.


VERSE 3

Though none go with me, still I will follow,
Though none go with me, still I will follow,
Though none go with me, still I will follow,
No turning back, no turning back!


VERSE 4

The world behind me, the cross before me,
The world behind me, the cross before me,
The world behind me, the cross before me,
No turning back, no turning back!


VERSE 5

Will you decide now, to follow Jesus,
Will you decide now, to follow Jesus,,
Will you decide now, to follow Jesus,,
No turning back, no turning back!