I've been giving God the cold shoulder lately. I know this is completely ludicrous and I'm not really backing God into any corners by this bit of manipulation, but I'm having a hard time with certain circumstances lately. Actually I'm starting to come around and warm up to Him b/c I kind of miss Him. I know He can take it and that is the great thing. He doesn't care if I am irritated or disgruntled with Him. There is so much for which I am grateful. But on the whole, His ways are not my ways this is sometimes difficult to digest. It's not even so much that I don't trust Him. At this point I pretty much have complete trust in Him, whether the circumstances are good or bad, but I guess even though I trust Him, I can still not like the circumstances.
Yesterday my eldest and I went out to dinner together. This is the kid who shoots out questions like a semi-automatic weapon. You can't answer the first one before he is asking another and frequently you can't even hear yourself think b/c he is just interrogating you. I think he can hear about 7 conversations at once b/c he always wants to know every little detail of these conversations (and mostly they don't concern him). This is the same kid, who 2 days ago while we were driving home from dinner, I hear telling his little brother, reminiscently, "I had a poop like that once (like a gun-I guess they were discussing guns?). It had a trigger and a couple of bullets coming out of it". Lee informed me that this is boy conversation 101-stories of your best poops ever. Anyway, while at dinner, he and I had just about the sweetest conversation that we've ever had. He understands so much. Lee and I have tossed around the idea of having a post chemo, post surgery, everything is finally over with, party. The momentum was pretty big early on, but as time has passed, I've been hot and cold about it. My eldest refers to this party as "the chemotherapy party". He asks about it all the time. "When are we going to have the chemotherapy party"? Yesterday at dinner he asked about it again. I said, "what if we don't have a party?" He said it would be okay, but then just as quickly said that we would be having one b/c there wasn't a justifiable reason not to in his mind. At that moment I realized the party was important for him not for the sake of having a party, but for what it signifies. I asked him if the party was important to him and why it was important and he immediately confirmed what I suspected. "Mom, when we have the party, it just means that it is all over. And so many people prayed for you and for us, long and hard, and they need to come because they prayed long and hard." I've known that this journey isn't just about me, but that moment crystalized it for me; that this has so affected my kids and not just in negative ways, but in many positive and meaningful ways. He needs a tangible turning point for closure and healing and he also needs to express gratitude to people that he knows have helped us along the way. After we went through some of the details of his vision of the party (and he was very clear and specific about the size of the venue, the people who needed to be invited and the timing of the party. He was spot-on too), he made me seal the deal with a promissary high five. He was so certain after that high five, with a smile of confidence on his face. This is what he needs to be able to confidently move forward with his life and to feel with some certainty that his mom is going to be okay. The other really cool thing that he did was express gratitude to me for the fact that his father and I actively chose to move him from his prior school to his current school. He thanked me for placing him in his current school and for having him continue there. The whole evening wss so pleasurable and it made me happy to spend time with my thoughtful and insightful kid. Those rare one on one moments are so precious and allow you opportunities to see their true personalities.
The other day I was at Fiesta, a quasi developing-world shopping experience. Usually they have Mo-Town playing and you can buy all sorts of exoctic international fare. I was there to buy leche quemada for my daughter's teachers' gift appreciation basket. Shopping there makes me smile because I feel very Bohemian and like I am traveling to some cool Central American county. Most shoppers at Fiesta are either Asian or on some kind of federal public assistance. What Fiesta lacks in costumer service, they make up for in gritty charm. While I was at the check-out counter, I decided I'd do my part to help the enviroment and I said to the lady bagging groceries, "Paper please". She, in true Fiesta employee style, ignored me. I repeated myself, but this time louder. Again, no response. A third time I made my request and she continued to ignore me. I was starting to get perturbed and after initially thinking, "typical", my next, sarcastic thought was, "Dammit, is she deaf?" Turns out that Claudette, my check out lady, was indeed deaf. I felt very small. By the way, Fiesta's method of giving you paper bags isn't saving any marine animals from the evil plastic bags b/c they put every paper bag inside of a plastic bag. After I'd just humiliated myself with the deaf lady, I figured I wasn't going to make a scene with the paper bags.
Psalm 40: 5
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them
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